supginge:

aprrl:

v0tum:

this video is fucking with my head

Omg

This is amazing!

Sometimes I hate hearing that phrase. It makes me cringe. Why? Because it is a high price to pay to be an understanding person. Basically you just get bailed on, left behind, but “you’re the best for being so understanding”.

One can only tolerate that shit for so long, and you know what? Maybe I don’t understand why I put up with your shit because even though I see it from your side every g’damn time, do you ever see it from mine? No. All you think about is yourself, I think it’s about time I do the same.

Every person deserves a certain amount of good treatment from others, and right now I think you have just underperformed in about every single category.

So why the f**k do I keep you around? There’s nothing I understand about that.

Will I ever be more than the cause of our dye-stained white towels after I shower? Will I ever be more than the reason the smoke alarm went off because I was trying to cook myself dinner? 

Why can’t you be happy that I even cook for myself, rather than seem disappointed that what I made isn’t a world-winning recipe? To you, all I did was leave a mess of dishes and almost burn the house down for some mediocre food.

You make me feel like all I do is cause trouble to you, all I was ever good for was money. If you needed it, I had it, and how could I say no to giving money to my own flesh and blood? You even make me feel bad about that, because now I’m even more of a bother to you because you owe me money. You act as if I asked for that, I didn’t.

I am thankful that you have kept your word, but don’t expect me to be exceptionally grateful that you paid me back. Why should I be? That’s how the world works. When you say “Can I borrow something? I’ll give it back.” then that’s what I expect. I lend, you borrow, it’s returned. It’s not like you’re really going out of your way for me, that is just what you promised to me. 

I’m sorry that my birth seems to be inconveniencing you to this day. I’m sorry that I seem like a financial burden because I live in your house. I have a job, I mainly support myself. If it bugs you, then fine, make me pay rent. Don’t just try to guilt me into feeling like I’m worthless and do nothing for you. I live for me and for God, not for you. 

Yes, you brought me into the world, but stop acting like I have to live my life only for your purposes. A mother should want her child to experience life fully, not for her own gain. Maybe that’s not how you actually feel, but that’s how you make me feel.

I know I was the accident child, but will you ever look at me as more than a mistake and a burden? I wish you could look at me for the things I do and do well, rather than the things I do wrong or don’t do. 

I’m learning how to live in this world, and I’m going to mess up a few times til I get it right. Stop expecting perfection on the first try. 

I just wish you would stop making me regret being born. 

trying not to lose it all. not to lose control. trying to accept that this is how things are, but you know what? I can change it. Slowly, but surely, I can change it.

Tears are a natural stress reliever, and maybe I never realized it was all coming down on me now. As much as I want to release this tension, this pain, my mind is just too full of pride to admit that I am weak.

I am human. I have my limits. Why can’t I accept that?

Why can’t I comprehend that there is no “perfect” and that I should just be happy with who and where I am?

Lord,

Help me to not lash out when my mother feels the need to help me, it really feels like she is just nagging. I know she means well. I just wish she didn’t worry about what I do, I don’t ask her to.

I am really trying to ignore her remarks, but every time it just makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me, like I am incapable of doing anything right. It just really hurts me, but I know it hurts her when I yell at her when she’s only trying to help. 

I would rather her worry about herself. She’s almost 60 and has become so frail and sick, and it’s because she worries so much about everyone else. I am glad that I have been blessed with her ability to care so much for others, but I hope I don’t forget about my own health like she has. 

Please, give me the strength to just… let it go. Allow these comments to just roll off my back and not think of them as personal digs about me as a person. I really do love my mom, and I know she loves me too. So please God, keep me strong and don’t let her self-caused stress be the death of her. 

Amen.